11/16/2024
seven months since i last did anything to the site, and almost a full year since the last blog update.
that's pretty sad.
i have been pretty sad and pretty unwell. a lot has happened, both good and bad, but it's been mostly bad lately. landed myself in the emergency room for the first time in my life a few months ago, and for the same reasons for that i'm in therapy again. this time it's therapy therapy, though, not school counseling. (as genuinely helpful as that was at the time.) applied to a lot of jobs and got none of them. had a brief stint working for a large youtuber! didn't work out. i'm trying to keep up wth my last couple of months so i can get my bachelor's degree. i'm not sure i have a lot of potential after that. i'm working on a graphic novel and i have an overwhelming fear of the end of the world. i would like to self-publish that graphic novel before everyone dies. this is why i'm in therapy.
feeling like this is not really normal but it's been my normal for a while. i'd like to not feel that way. most of the joy i experience is from talking to my partner (2 years baybee) or from restraining myself from giggling when my therapist says we're going to do "CBT." webheaven has been popping up in my mind a lot lately as something i should put more time into. it always made me happy - i just got too busy, and admittedly, too self-conscious. webheaven in its current form doesn't represent me well anymore. i love pokemon, i love retro tech and games, i love cute things, but the bright bubbly rainbow sparkledog aesthetic and the intentionally bright, bubbly persona of the blog posts is not me. i'm not sure it has ever been a fully honest representation of myself. i don't want to perform and i want the site to be weirder and less ... sanitized?
despite the fact that my already minimal html knowledge has almost certainly degraded in the time i've been ignoring my website, i would like to work on this again in the near future. i'd like to retool it to fit my tastes and needs. i think it would make me feel better and take away from the too-much time i've spent being chronically online on the increasingly enshittified and hateful social media sphere. (partner told me to touch grass, just in more polite terms. they're right.) making this website was a hobby that brought me a lot of joy and i miss it - both the fun work i've done on this website and the experience of having even a litle bit of happiness. it's fun to look around, too, and i've done very little of that. i feel like all the popular pages are completely different, that's fun! i want to see all of them.
it's a depressing blog post but that's bound to be the case when the author is feeling depressed. i'm trying to pity myself less (it's why i'm in therapy) and make better choices for myself. i don't want to wallow in sadness and hopelessness but it's also sometimes nice to word vomit onto a screen about your own sadness LOL.
i've been really into flight rising lately. i've also been watching a lot of bojack horseman. i have NOT been into mouthwashing and i need everyone to know it.
i'm not sure how many people read these blogs (and that's kind of the fun of it, isn't it?) but i suppose i will be seeing all (???) of you around