i think people are often a little surprised when they find out that i wear this fashion. i have never been a particularly feminine person outside of my interest in lolita, and, if anything, have historically gone out of my way to be percieved as such. growing up in a religious community, i've known femininity only as something i was expected to perform. sometimes by women, but usually by men. this experience led me to reject anything feminine for a very long time. why should i perform these arbitrary gender roles when the label of 'woman' means almost nothing to me? why should i perform when the validation and sexual interest of men is worthless to me? paradoxically, i think this attitude is a big part of what makes lolita fashion so special and meaningful to me.

i've been pretty terminally online since i was a kid in the single digits. not really a good thing but it made me the person i am now so whatever guys!! i don't remember exactly when or where i first came across lolita fashion, but i do remember being instantly captivated. that captivation really hit a boiling point when i was a young teenager and could really delve into the fashion, its history, and its community. the big skirts and intricate prints were enough to interest me, but what really made me fall in love was the ethos behind this fashion. lolita fashion was not feminine or frilly for the approval of anyone else. it was cute and feminine just because. wearers of the fashion rejected being sexualized or objectified and put emphasis on self-expression and community. this was not the mandated femininity i was used to - it was something different. something rather defiant, actually.

i started wearing the fashion when i was about fourteen, and enjoyed the hobby slowly and in moderation for a few years. there wasn't much i could do as a teenager with neither an income nor an allowance, but i enjoyed it quite a lot despite the circumstances. i spent countless hours putting together pinterest boards and repeat-watching deerstalker skits and wardrobe tours. when i started college, i fell out of lolita for a while. i just didn't have the time, nor the funds, but i still quietly adored it from the sidelines. when i graduated, though, it all came back with full force. now that i had free time and a steady job, literally no one could stop me. and no one did! and now i'm here once more. despite the years i've spent appreciating and wearing the fashion, i still consider myself to be at the beginning of this adventure.

when i wear lolita fashion, i feel like my best self. i'm enjoying something that i enjoy just for me, not for anyone else. when i wear it, the insecurities i have in myself can fade to the background. it doesn't matter if other people think it's strange - i'm expressing myself in a way that makes me feel good. i'm enjoying unapologetic femininity almost entirely divorced from the expectations of polite society. it doesn't matter what i'm "supposed" to do, or what the "correct" way to look is - i'm in a dress covered in motherfuckin doughnuts!!!! the community aspect has helped me meet a lot of really interesting people, the creativity aspect is just plainly appealing to me as an artist, and the long history of the fashion is beyond interesting to me. i could rattle on for years and years about how special this fashion is, and how much i enjoy it. it's very special to me and i imagine it will remain special to me, even if my interest takes different forms as the years go on.